Okay, gather ’round everyone. It’s Dad’s turn to play Santa this year!
Now before we dive into … hey! Stop pelting your sister with Nerds. This is important. Jeez, those things really leave some welts, don’t they? It’s like birdshot. You okay, sweetie? Alright, walk it off.
I have some great, thoughtful presents for you guys. Now as I was saying … no I don’t care who started it … before we just start ripping apart the wrapping paper like a pack of greedy hyenas, I want to say something about the Christmas spirit.
Now this time of year it’s important to be thankful for the things you have. Especially this year, when basically every Christmas present is currently stuck in a shipping container somewhere in California. So, unless any of you got Dad a plane ticket and a set of bolt cutters, I’d adjust your expectations.
And I know you had your heart set on that PlayStation 5, but the good people at Sony, in their wisdom, only deigned to produce like 30 of them, and the bidding wars are getting kind of intense. See this black eye? That was from Daddy trying to buy your love.
That said, I want you to know that every one of these presents, even though in the physical sense a lot of them came from the garage, in a more spiritual sense they came from the heart. And that’s what the Christmas spirit is all about, right? Right? It is. You’ll just have to trust me on that.
Junior, you’re first up since you’re the oldest.
That’s right, it’s a DIY kit! I know it’s just bits of wood, but think of the possibilities!
Okay, first of all, stop crying and listen. I know these might look like the bits that were left over after those shelves I put in the laundry room, but there’s more to it than that. Son, this is an investment in your future.
I’ve been following the market pretty closely, and over the past month, lumber futures have risen 40 percent. Have you been to the hardware store lately? This is like fresh-cut chemically treated gold. The way I see it, the sky’s the limit on this stuff. If prices continue the way they have, these six little scraps of Georgia pine are going to put you through college. Invest wisely.
Okay, sweetheart, your turn.
Next stop, fun city! It’s your very own coin jar!
Now I know you like your antiques, so I dove really deep on this one. You see, these little metal circles in here used to be how we paid for things. Why I remember a time when just one of these little fellas could buy me all the Bazooka Joe my tiny little mouth could hold. And that’s why Daddy can bite through a cinder block today. Don’t you want a giant muscular jaw like Daddy?
Plus, if you don’t spend them all on weapons-grade bubble gum, you hang onto these bad boys, and in a few years when this whole national coin shortage has died down and the mint has just given up and started producing license plates or whatever, you’re going to be the only person in town who can break a dollar. Won’t that be fun?
Okay, fine. Just take it down to Coinstar and exchange it for an Amazon gift card, since that’s pretty much where our currency is headed anyway.
Who’s next? Oh look! It’s a present for my sweet little baby girl. You’ve been really good this year, so I sure hope Santa brought you something extra special! Is it an OMG LOL WTF doll like you asked for? Even better!
That’s right, tiny little shampoos from that hotel Dad stayed at during his business trip last week! How did Santa know? Also, why are you crying? Okay, I’ll let Santa know he screwed up here, but in Santa’s defense, you are extremely hard to shop for.
Speaking of hard to shop for, it’s Mommy’s turn! Now honey, we all remember the fiasco last year with the novelty liquor dispenser and, again, I’m sorry I didn’t think to take the clearance tags from it. I was just so desperate to get you something nice after the infamous nose hair trimmer of 2018. So, this year, I’ve decided that, in addition to my annual coupon good for one free back rub, I’d up the ante a little bit.
That’s right; it’s a tie! Now when Father’s Day rolls around, you have the perfect opportunity to give me a crappy present for once! Not only do I never wear ties, but you get the pleasure of knowing this regifted tie is way worse than any of the terrible gifts I’ve given you!
Oh, come on, what do you mean your mother was right about me? Where’s your Christmas spirit? Where are you going? Honey?
Oh, look, kids! Mom got you all some more Nerds! Hey, wait! Aaarrrgghhh!
