You’re not the boss of me,” I mumbled under my breath, not wanting to do the thing I told myself I should do.
I picked up this little gem of a phrase from my friend’s 5-year-old. He’s been known to use it when asked to do a chore. One hand on his hip, the other with his pointy finger wagging, and a mischievous grin as he tries not to break character while telling his mother she’s not the boss of him. He giggles at his own audacity, then quickly retreats to do whatever chore was asked of him.
Truth be told, I also utter this phrase when I know I want to change something about myself or my situation, but I don’t. Or I do, but it’s incredibly short-lived. The difference between me and the 5-year-old is that he does the thing.
It’s a lot like New Year’s resolutions. You resolve to drink more water, go to the gym, eat better, or have date nights with your partner. But you’re running at full speed ahead, and until you’re not, you find yourself returning to your old habits.
Or, in therapy, there’s something that you want to do differently. You want to decrease your anxiety or communicate better with your partner. Only the progress feels slow, or the old habits creep back in, and before long, you feel stuck.
One thing I know that’s true about resolutions, whether therapeutic or New Year: They require some sort of change.
Know what else?
If change were easy, your anxiety would be manageable, your New Year’s resolutions would be going strong in November, and conversations with your partner and children would be rewarding and easy.
Change is freaking hard, and often it’s met with an internal rebellion – one that just might mumble in a low, determined voice, “You’re not the boss of me.”
Change requires effort and intention and, often, facing discomfort. It is often followed by endless excuses. You know the ones – “Yeah, but” or “When I’m more … then I’ll….” The second one is my personal favorite.
Change requires doing something different – or differently, and that’s where the real challenge lies.
You’ve probably noticed change is necessary for personal growth. And growth, while uncomfortable, is what leads to deeper satisfaction, healthier relationships, and the realization of your potential. You’re not alone if you’ve ever felt that tug-of-war between wanting change and resisting it.
There are three common barriers I hear most often.
1. Waiting to feel like it. Or you’ll do it when you’re motivated. Well, good luck.
Unfortunately, motivation does not precede action. That’s right. I said it. Motivation will not magically appear and push you to take action.
The fix: Action precedes motivation. If you want to start a new habit, don’t wait for motivation. Start with a tiny, intentional step. Motivation will follow.
2. Fear of the unknown. For good, bad, or indifferent, you know what you’re getting if you just stay put. You might not like it, but you know the outcome.
Change introduces uncertainty. Let’s face it, you want certainty. There’s safety in the known. It’s predictable, even if you don’t like the outcome.
The fix: Embrace uncertainty. While it’s natural to want predictability, remind yourself that discomfort is temporary. The uncertainty you fear can lead to the most rewarding changes in your life.
3. You want to do what other people are doing. I have a mentor who gets up every morning at 4:30 to work out, write, meditate, and start working. She paints a beautiful picture of steam rising from her favorite artisan coffee mug, with a notebook in her lap and pen poised, watching the sunrise over the horizon.
While romanticizing about her seemingly perfect life and ability to get a lot done, I forget I’m not a morning person. Sure, I can force myself to get up at 4:30 a.m. Will it last? No. Likely, the same will be true for you.
The fix: Get honest with yourself. Do you really want the goal and are you willing to take the action that gets you there? Just because someone else’s routine looks perfect doesn’t mean it will work for you. Find a rhythm that fits your life and personality. Lasting change happens when it aligns with your values and natural tendencies, not someone else’s.
Are you ready for lasting change? Here are five key strategies to get you started.
1. Change requires enthusiasm.
Discipline alone will get you only so far. When I don’t feel like working out or writing (like yesterday), I remind myself why I’m doing it: It’s for the benefits. I’m not motivated, but I am enthusiastic about the results.
Pro tip: Embrace the benefits of change, even when the effort feels tough.
2. Accountability is crucial.
When you’re making changes, it helps to have a support system in place that can hold you accountable. It could be someone you work out with. Someone to whom you send a photo of your latest piece of art or writing. You and your partner could work together on improving communication. Or, it could be your therapist.
Knowing you have someone who will ask about your progress and is rooting for you will help you to continue showing up. It can also show you if your goal isn’t aligned with your values and may need to be reassessed.
3. Clarity.
Be clear and specific about what you want to change. Instead of vague goals like “be healthier” or “communicate better with my partner,” set concrete targets: “I will exercise for 30 minutes, three times a week” or “Three days a week, I will notice how my partner’s comments make me feel.” The more specific and actionable your goal, the easier it is to track your progress and stay motivated.
4. Imperfect action.
Small daily committed and intentional action steps help to loosen “stuckness,” create change, and count as progress. Don’t aim for perfection.
And if it doesn’t work, perhaps you (gasp!) fail. That’s OK. Fail “up” – learn from where you went off the rails and improve on it the next time.
You’ll begin to notice that the more action you take, the more you’ll want to take action because you’ll start to see the results you’re craving.
5. Repeatable.
Unfortunately, change isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s about building habits you can sustain long-term. Ask yourself: Can you do this thing on repeat? Not only until you reach your goal once, but over and over again?
If not, scale back your goal to something more manageable. Long-term success comes from consistency, not quick fixes.
Take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you want, what you value, and if you’re enthusiastic about the outcome. To quote the wise David Bowie, “Turn and face the change.” Start taking imperfect and consistent action in that direction. In the end, you’ll be the boss of you, but in the very best way.
So, what’s one tiny, intentional step you can take today toward the change you want to see in your life?
Happy New Year!
