Clear communication – it sounds so simple, doesn’t it? A few words, a well-timed nod, maybe a smile to seal the deal. Alas, if it were that easy, there would be fewer misunderstandings, unintended hurt feelings, and snarky replies while passing the mashed potatoes at the holiday dinner.
Communication is at the heart of all human interactions. We use it to build relationships, share ideas, resolve conflicts, and connect with others. But communication isn’t just about our words; it’s about how we listen, interpret, and respond.
So, how do you turn conversations from argument starters into meaningful connections or even uneventful passing chats?
I have a few ideas that are backed by research. That’s right – science for the win. Here are my favorite four.
Mirroring
Mirroring is a technique in which you reflect the other person’s words, emotions, or body language back to them. In doing so, you acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
Mirroring also plays a vital role in de-escalating conflicts. When tensions are high, reflecting the other person’s words back to them can help clarify misunderstandings and show that you’re listening.
For example, imagine your partner venting about a stressful day: “I’ve been running around all day. Nobody appreciates all I do.” Instead of launching into your stressful day or offering unsolicited advice, try this: “Wow, it sounds like you’re doing a lot and feel unappreciated.”
Or if your partner says, “You never listen to me when I’m upset,” instead of saying, “Of course I do!” (which is well-meaning but minimizes their feelings), try mirroring: “It sounds like when you’re upset, you don’t think I’m really listening.”
You’re not solving their problems or hijacking the conversation – you’re simply reflecting their experience. Suddenly, you’ve opened the door to a conversation instead of an argument.
Mirroring is a small but mighty move that helps to build trust and create a sense of emotional safety. It says, “Hey, I hear you, and I’m with you. Your thoughts matter, and I’m paying attention.”
As a side note, you can mirror the words verbatim or paraphrase – your choice.
Pro tip: Add the phrase “Did I get that right?” to the end of your reflection. This allows the other person to correct you if you heard incorrectly or didn’t quite pick up on their sentiment.
Curiosity
I don’t know about you, but I can easily fall into the trap of thinking I already know what someone close to me will say, or assume their motives based on my experiences.
Assuming creates a one-sided conversation. Your mind is made up. “They” always do this, so why bother?
What if you mixed it up? What if you approached conversations with genuine curiosity? What if you opened yourself up to understanding the other person’s perspective more fully?
Hear me out.
Curiosity requires you to ask open-ended questions that invite the other person to share more about their thoughts and feelings. Instead of responding with judgment or advice, ask questions like, “Oh, can you tell me more?”
Curiosity signals that you’re interested in the other person’s experience rather than rushing to a conclusion. It also helps avoid those dreaded “You never listen!” arguments.
The beauty of curiosity lies in its ability to break down barriers, allowing the other person to feel heard and understood. When you’re curious, you are less likely to assume negative intent and more likely to give grace and approach difficult conversations with openness.
Empathy
A quick side note: People often confuse empathy and sympathy. According to Brene Brown, “empathy is feeling with people.” Sympathy, on the other hand, tries to make the situation better. This is my favorite explanation by Brown and well worth three minutes of your time: youtube.com/watch?v=KZBTYViDPlQ.
Clear communication requires you to go beyond surface-level exchanges (sympathy) and tap into the other person’s emotional experience (empathy).
Empathy helps you respond in ways that meet the other person where they are, rather than where you think they should be. It’s a powerful tool for building connection and reducing feelings of isolation or misunderstanding.
It means stepping into the other person’s emotional shoes and feeling what they feel – without trying to fix the problem or slap a Band-Aid on it.
Empathy sounds like, “What was that like for you?”
You’re not trying to fix feelings or downplay experiences. You’re simply acknowledging the other person’s emotional reality. In relationships, this is gold. It’s the ultimate way to show, “I’m here with you, not just physically, but emotionally.”
When you empathize, you send the message that their feelings matter and that you’re willing to be with them, even in their discomfort. This creates a deeper bond and lets them know you’re in it for the long haul, through the ups, downs, and everything in between.
Validation
Validation is recognizing and affirming another person’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It reassures the other person that they are seen and heard. It’s like giving someone a verbal hug.
But first, let me clear up a common misconception: Validating is not the same as “agreeing with.”
Yes, you can validate someone’s feelings without agreeing with their perspective.
The key to validation is focusing on the other person’s experience rather than trying to impose your own. It requires setting aside your judgment and fully acknowledging the emotions and perspective the other person is expressing.
I know it’s a lot, and it’s all doable.
Validating means you are recognizing that the other person’s feelings could make sense given the situation. It’s about sincerely conveying, “I hear you,” without the subtext of “But you’re overreacting” or “You’re wrong.”
Putting it all together
I’ll admit, in the beginning, practicing these communication skills will be slow and clunky. Or, in my official therapist-speak, “wonky.” However, the more you practice, the more natural it become. And it does take practice – a lot of it.
Clear communication creates an environment where your partner feels seen, heard, and valued. When you mirror their feelings, get curious about their thoughts, empathize with their experiences, and validate their emotions, you’re building a foundation of trust, understanding, and connection. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?
If you want to learn more, one of my favorite communication resources is How to Talk to Anyone About Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations by Harville Hendrix, PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
