It was a beautiful summer day on the University of Georgia campus. While my friends were out having real adventures, I was fighting for the life of my GPA in calculus. Somewhere along the way, I heard summer courses were effortless. Not so much.
My professor, a self-described math nerd, had been teaching calculus for years. He moved swiftly between numbers, letters, and symbols, looking at us eagerly as if we should know what he was talking about. That was not the case. I was a deer in headlights.
He could have been speaking in a different language or writing hieroglyphics. I only recall this sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach that nothing made sense. My brain turned to mush, and my thoughts became fuzzy. I froze. I couldn’t find my words; my whole existence was numb. If I could have, I would have made myself invisible. Meanwhile, if I didn’t figure this out, my GPA would be doomed.
Oddly enough, I often receive a similar expression when male clients talk to me about their relationships: eyes wide, staring straight ahead, searching for the “right thing” to say. It’s that same deer-in-the-headlights look.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I absolutely love working with guys. Why? The guys I work with want a solution to the issue that’s stuck on repeat. Not only that; they can name the problem and usually walk me through how they got there.
Sitting there somewhat tense, eyes wide, elbows on knees, and hands on their faces, I usually hear some version of, “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.” Then comes the disappointed look when I don’t have the magic phrase, skill, or solution to eradicate their problem immediately.
Sadly, many men will not and do not seek therapy. They opt to suck it up, man up, or figure it out themselves. There remains a stigma around mental health that implies weakness in seeking help. So, instead, they push through.
It really does make sense if you think about it. Generally speaking, little boys were most likely taught to be tough, resilient, to have everything under control, and to push through. Then they were shamed when they expressed emotion: “Don’t be a sissy.” “Boys don’t cry.” “Momma’s boy.”
Boys learn that showing emotion isn’t acceptable and they need to shut it down. Eventually, at the inkling of intense emotion (except maybe anger), men master the art of stuffing their feelings. Then poof! It’s almost as though they’ve vanished forever.
As a man, why would you want to come to therapy and subject yourself to possible ridicule or look weak by opening up to someone you don’t even know about the very emotions you’ve been taught to hide? Why would you admit you don’t have it all figured out? It seems remarkably counterintuitive, right?
Unfortunately, for a good portion of the time when you’re in “fix it” mode, you’re trying to repair an emotional issue (a matter of the heart) with a logical solution. Spoiler alert: It’s usually not going to work.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t like it either.
In the presence of deep emotions, there’s an initial instinct to look for a problem to solve. That’s the way our minds work. Solve problems so you don’t repeat the same mistakes, and you continue to stay safe. However, this “solution” creates its own issue.
Problem-solving plus society’s messages about feelings and well-being equals (most likely) a flooded nervous system, leading you to return to what you know, which is to fix it … and some version of, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
Let me guess; this probably doesn’t go over well with your significant other. More than likely, they want you to “know” what to do without their prompting. But you don’t, and now you’re left thinking there’s something wrong with you.
At this point, you’re probably trying every possible solution you can think of while your significant other is less than impressed. Or you become quiet and shut down in an attempt to not make matters worse. Either way, your solutions fall short, your frustration increases, and your relationship isn’t improving.
I believe you feel very deeply. You adjust to what you know. You’re resilient. You’ve learned that showing emotion is not socially acceptable.
You see, asking for support is not a sign of weakness or a mental illness. You’re stuck. And just like you can call a tow truck if your car left you stuck on the side of the road, you can call a therapist if you’re stuck in life.
Think about it this way. Your solution is collaborating with someone to improve your situation, just like that tow truck driver. Inevitably, you will learn skills, but you’ll also learn how to have a better relationship with yourself and others.
The benefits of better understanding yourself are vast. You’ll set yourself up to have more meaningful relationships. You’ll be more present with your children and significant other. You’ll be more equipped to troubleshoot when issues arise—because they will.
And you’ll learn how you act or react when your emotions surface. Plus, you’ll set an example for your children, who can witness firsthand what it looks like when Dad seeks support and follows through.
If you are indeed stuck on your road of life and are trying in vain to fix everything, it may be time to make an appointment with a therapist. In the meantime, feel free to try this strategy at home:
Before your next disagreement, agree to take a break when you feel flooded (your heart is racing or your body feels tense).
• Come up with a word, phrase, or physical movement to alert your partner that it’s time for a timeout. Some examples are: “bananas”; “it’s time”; or raising both arms in the air—anything that’s not offensive and can be remembered in times of high stress.
• Take a 20- to 30-minute break. Physiologically, it takes about this long for your nervous system to regulate.
• Remove yourself from the situation and focus on your breathing, imagine your favorite vacation spot, or take a walk around the block.
• Then come back to the conversation and try it again. However, don’t jump right back in where you left off. Ease back in by naming two or three things you appreciate about one another or simply hug.
I eventually passed my calculus class. But it wouldn’t happened without a whole lot of support from my professor. He helped me make sense of what seemed foreign and gave a voice to the jumbled thoughts in my head. It wasn’t pretty. However, with his help, I wasn’t (as) stuck. It’s an option for you too.
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She specializes in working with couples and individuals to better their relationships so they can connect more deeply to themselves and each other. When not in the office, you’ll find her walking her pups or planning her next mountain getaway with her husband.
