Want your child to succeed? Well, you’re going to have to let your child fail.
I know it sounds counterintuitive. As parents, we all want to bubble wrap our kids, but what if protecting them from hardship only handicaps them later in life? According to child psychologists, allowing children to experience falls, flubs, and failure is crucial for their development.
In the wise words of singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller … makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter.” And like a background singer, research backs up these lyrics. Here are five long-term benefits of letting your child fail and establishing a growth mindset versus a fear-based fixed mindset:
Resiliency
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, adapt, and thrive in the face of challenges. When a child is allowed to fail, he is also allowed to confront his shortcomings, analyze his mistakes, and develop strategies for improvement. This is evidenced in toddlers as they are learning to walk. Every time their chubby, wobbly legs give way, they learn to catch themselves. Sure, at first, it is a padded diaper softening their landing, but with each fall they learn to secure themselves with steady objects like furniture, until eventually it is determination and will that keep them upright.
Problem-Solving Skills
Failure is an inherent part of the problem-solving process. When we encounter a problem, we often try different approaches until we find a solution. Each failed attempt provides valuable information, guiding us toward a more effective strategy.
For example, when my middle child, Ruth Love, was in lower school, she wanted to star in the school musical. Nowhere in our family lineage has anyone on either side been able to carry a tune or toe tap to a beat, so when she tried out, we knew as parents her dream was going to be dashed. Instead of getting a part in the performance, she was asked to help with the production.
Now, as a high schooler, Ruth Love has developed a passion for writing and directing. She has produced two short films and truly cares about her grades, not because her parents care about her grades but because she wants to get accepted into a competitive film school. Through rejection, she learned about her strengths and has developed a direction in life.
Self-Confidence
True self-confidence is not built on empty praise or shielding our children from reality’s mighty rays. It is rooted in the knowledge that we are capable of overcoming challenges and achieving our goals. Over-protecting and over-providing for our children leads to entitlement and a false sense of confidence. True confidence comes from internal fortitude.
Grit
Grit is a little different from resiliency. Grit denotes courage and strength of character. As parents, we have to teach our children that while life is beautiful it is also hard. Setbacks are stepping stones to developing the resolve to go after goals, hopes, and dreams.
Emotional Intelligence
Raise your hand if you have a middle schooler. God bless you and, yes, you might be the one who needs the bubble wrap. Middle schoolers are a whirling dervish of emotions. The Oscar-nominated film “Inside Out” depicts this so well. In order for our children to be functional adults, they must first learn to manage and regulate their emotions. Anger, sadness, happiness, you name it, these emotions are innate and integral to understanding ourselves and how we operate.
So, how exactly can you set your kids up for success by letting them fail? Here are some expert-backed strategies:
Resist the Urge to Rescue
When your child receives a disappointing grade, do not immediately contact the teacher to plead her case. Instead, help your child to analyze her mistakes and develop strategies for improvement, such as contacting the teacher herself.
Focus on Effort, Not Outcome
Praise your child’s hard work, persistence, and problem-solving skills, regardless of the final result. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try, “I’m impressed with how hard you worked on that project.”
Create a Safe Space for Failure
Let your child know that mistakes are a normal part of life. Share your own experiences with failure and how you learned from them. Also, encourage your children to try new things, even if they are afraid of failing. Let them know that you will be there to support them, regardless of the outcome.
Guide, Don’t Control
Offer guidance and support but avoid taking over. Let your child make his own decisions and experience the consequences, both positive and negative. For example, if your child is having friend problems, instead of telling him what to do, ask questions like, “How do you think your friend is feeling?” or “What are some ways you could resolve this conflict?”
Build Resilience
Resilience is like a muscle – it grows stronger with use. Allow your children to experience disappointments and help them to process those feelings. Help them also to understand that problems are not permanent and that they can overcome challenges.
Reframe Failure
Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of failure, emphasize the lessons learned from it. This does not mean you have to spin the truth or turn a blind eye, but rather look objectively at a mistake or incident with your child and discuss what happened and what she observed and learned.
Model Behavior
Whether we know it or like it, kids are sponging up everything we do. When we make a mistake as parents, we have to be able to admit it and demonstrate the ability to move on from it. Although it is important to establish ourselves as the authority, we also have to let our children know that we are human and humans make mistakes.
As local child therapist Dr. Debi Lynes says, “Normal is just a dryer setting.”
