Children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren circled as we prepared to serve cake in one of the common areas of the home, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a lady in a wheeled recliner, parked in front of a television, staring at the floor, crying.
You see a lot of sad things in a nursing home, and while it might have been easier to look the other way, I moved closer. As I did, the source of her distress became apparent: Her sock had fallen off. What wasn’t immediately clear was if she wanted the sock back on or if she wanted the other one off. So, I asked, “Do you want me to put your sock back on?”
“Yes,” she said in a tiny quivering voice, while big alligator tears spilled from her faded blue eyes. I picked up the sock, and she grasped for my arm as I slid it back on her icy foot. She continued to cry and reach for me, so I leaned in and hugged her. She latched on and sobbed like a baby, and I wondered how long it had been since anyone hugged this lady.
With the party clearly visible to her in the next room, I asked, “Would you like some cake?”
“Yes!” she cried.
I got permission from the nurse in case she was on a special diet and, with approval, went to get her a slice. It was obvious that the woman did not have the motor skills to handle the plate and fork, so I cut a small bite and fed it to her. She devoured it like a child, almost eating the plastic fork in the process. Some icing got stuck on my finger, and she licked it off so aggressively I thought she might take a chunk out of my hand. “Don’t bite me,” I said, as I cut her another sliver.
Have you ever been in a situation where the apparent crisis of the moment wasn’t the real problem at all? At any given time, it’s easy to judge what you think is happening, but when you draw closer, you may find that the situation is not as it appears. It’s my guess that the lady in the nursing home was not all that upset about her sock. She was more distraught over the fact that no one noticed her or cared to find out what she needed.
She wasn’t starved for food, but maybe she was starved for affection—or for the attention of someone willing to hug her and hand-feed her, not because it was their job, but because they saw her and wanted to share a moment in time.
My mother-in-law passed away the following January, just two months after that birthday celebration. I like to believe that our presence that day made a difference to her in her final days. And I also like to believe that the lady who had her sock put back on by a stranger received just what she needed. The interaction certainly blessed me.
I tell you this story not for my personal glory, but to remind you of the importance and power of human touch. As we gradually dip our toes back into the waters of social interaction, it may be time to ditch the fist bumps in exchange for some good old-fashioned hugs.
I’m not suggesting that you jeopardize your health or take undue risks, but there is some evidence to support the notion that touch deprivation is as detrimental to our health as any potential germ we might encounter.
Being touch starved, also known as skin hunger, occurs when a person receives little to no touch from other living beings. “Touch starvation increases stress, depression and anxiety, triggering a cascade of negative physiological effects. The body releases the hormone cortisol as a response to stress, activating the body’s ‘flight-or-fight’ response. This can increase heart rate, blood pressure, respiration and muscle tension, and can suppress the digestive system and immune system, increasing the risk of infection” (Texas Medical Center, “Touch starvation is a consequence of COVID-19’s physical distancing”).
Interesting that the antidote could be as simple as a hug. “Hugging promotes emotional closeness between two people through the exchange of energy,” integrative neurologist, Ilene Ruhoy, M.D., Ph.D. said. “The act of hugging releases oxytocin stored in the pituitary gland, which is often affectionately referred to as the ‘love hormone’ because it helps us bond. That feeling of love, familiarity, and fellowship is why we have the instinct to hug our children, our parents, and our friends” (mbgrelationships.com., “7 Common Types Of Hugs & The Meaning Behind Each”).
Healthline.com reports, “Touch can calm your heart rate and blood pressure. It does so by stimulating pressure receptors that transport signals to the vagus nerve, the nerve that connects the brain to the rest of the body. It uses the signals to slow the pace of the nervous system.”
While precautions are still in order, evidence is strong that it is time to reach out and touch again. As we enter a new year, I encourage you to acknowledge your fellow humans. See them for who they are and look for the deeper need. If you feel so inclined (with their consent, of course), open your arms. Because who doesn’t need a hug? Cake optional.
Not Quite Ready for Random Hugs?
If you’re still feeling squeamish about random hugs, start by asking for them from friends and family members closest to you. Alternatively, here are a few other suggestions for receiving the touch your body craves:
Book a massage or spa treatment.* Massage therapy has been shown to ease depression, increase attentiveness and enhance immune function. If massage therapy is not your thing, choose another type of spa treatment that involves touch, e.g., facials, manicures or pedicures.
Visit a hair salon.* If you don’t need coloring services or a cut, make an appointment for a shampoo and blow-dry for relaxation.
Cuddle a pet. Just being close to a pet has been shown to lower stress, reduce heart rate, and lower blood pressure.
Hunker down with a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets aren’t human, but according to Psychology Today, (“The Vital Importance of Human Touch”), they’ve been found to calm the nervous system in the same manner as touch. Some benefits include relief from the perception of pain, reduced symptoms of anxiety, improved sleep quality, and relief from symptoms of depression.
Explore virtual options. FaceTime and Zoom meetings, yoga and other fitness classes, singing, and dancing are other activities that can increase the release of oxytocin in the brain.
*Ask in advance about virus protocols and safety measures. Choose to receive services in facilities where the precautions in place match your personal level of comfort as you ease back into the realm of human touch.
