I love f-words. You know, like “fall” (bring on the cooler weather, please), “flannel” (oooh, cozy), and “free” (who doesn’t like a great deal?).
Admittedly, there is no shortage of f-words in a therapy session. And no, I’m not talking about the one you mutter under your breath when someone cuts you off in traffic (although that one does make an occasional appearance).
I’m talking about “feelings,” “fears,” “frustrations,” and yes, the ultimate f-word (that gets a bad rap): “failure.”
Feelings: Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em
Feelings are a mixed bag of amazing, and I’m not going to touch that. Most of us treat feelings like an overly chatty passenger on a long flight – sometimes interesting, but mostly, we want them to just stop talking so we can relax.
Happiness? Bring it on.
Sadness, anger, fear? Maybe let’s just stuff those down and pretend they don’t exist.
Yeah, that rarely works.
Feelings tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. They show up whether you’re in the mood for them or not. Feelings aren’t there to ruin your day; they’re there to give you crucial information about what’s happening beneath the surface.
Ignoring your feelings works in the short-term. However, in the long run those feelings will make their presence known. Only it will likely happen at the most inopportune time.
Instead, the goal is to make peace with your feelings – the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s like inviting your feelings to sit down for coffee instead of slamming the door in their face. I just wrote an article about that. You can find it here: celebrateblufftonandbeyond.com/coffee-critique-compassion-navigating-your-inner-critic.
Fear: Master of disguise
Fear is like that overprotective friend who insists you wear a life jacket while standing next to a kiddie pool. It means well, but it tends to overreact.
Fear shows up in so many sneaky ways: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of looking like a fool, and oh-so-many other creative ways.
The problem with fear is that it’s often disguised as something else.
Perfectionism? That’s fear of failure all dressed up.
Overworking? Fear of not being enough hiding in a productivity mask.
You don’t want to banish fear. Instead, you want to call it out. Once you acknowledge fear, it starts to lose some of its power. (Side note: The same is true of all the feelings that make you uncomfortable.)
Fear, when kept in check, is actually useful. It helps you avoid danger. However, when fear takes over, it’s like being stuck in the inside lane of a roundabout. You keep going in circles with no way out.
Frustration: The emotion that really wants your attention
Frustration often doesn’t get the attention it deserves, which might be why it acts out so much. It’s that nagging feeling that pops up when life isn’t going the way you expected – when your partner isn’t reading your mind, when your job is driving you nuts, or when you’ve asked your kids to clean up for the thousandth time and – surprise – they didn’t.
Frustration wants to be acknowledged, and it can be a great teacher. It’s telling you something is off. Maybe you need to reset your expectations, maybe you need to communicate more clearly, or maybe you just need a break. The trick with frustration is not letting it fester.
Left unchecked, frustration has a habit of turning into anger, resentment, or the ever-charming “I’m fine” (when you’re clearly not fine).
When you’re frustrated, I invite you to dig a little deeper. What’s underneath your frustration? What unmet need or desire is hiding out there?
Nine times out of ten, it’s less about the situation and more about what’s bubbling below the surface.
Failure: The ultimate f-word
Ah, failure – the f-word that makes most people cringe. Failure has this reputation as the villain in the story of life, the thing we all try to avoid like it’s contagious.
But here’s a little secret: Failure isn’t the monster under the bed. It’s an indicator that you’re moving and trying new things.
Failure tends to be viewed as something to be ashamed of or hide away. But what if you look at failure through a different lens?
Failure isn’t a dead end; it’s feedback, with the possibility of learning and growth. It’s the world’s way of saying, “Hey, that didn’t work. How about trying something else?”
Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, tells a story about how her father celebrated and encouraged her failures. It meant she tried something new, learned something about herself, and led to a spirit of increased curiosity.
The truth is, no one gets through life without experiencing failure.
The people who embrace failure – who let it teach them, guide them, and yes, even humble them – are the ones who grow the most. Failure is final only if you give up. Otherwise, it’s just a pit stop on the road to your next destination.
Freedom: The f-word we crave
Freedom is the f-word on nearly everyone’s wish list. Freedom from fear, frustration, failure, and even feelings (though I wouldn’t recommend that last one). True freedom isn’t about avoiding emotions; it’s about embracing them. It’s about feeling everything without letting those feelings run your life.
Freedom comes with self-awareness and self-compassion, where you can sit with your feelings – yes, even the uncomfortable ones (especially the uncomfortable ones) – and know that they don’t define you.
The freedom to fail without letting it crush you. The freedom to be frustrated without lashing out. And most importantly, the freedom to trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way.
The truth is, feelings, fears, frustrations, and failures are part of being human. And once we stop treating them like they’re out to get us, we can finally start living with a little more ease, joy, and a little more freedom.
The next time any of these f-words show up, invite them in, sit them down, and see what they have to say. You might be surprised. They’re not as scary as they seem.
