In grad school, I was taught to take tea with my inner critic. That sounds great and all “kumbaya” – sitting at a cute cafe, cuddled up on a comfy sofa, with the smell of coffee beans wafting through the air.
Imagine it: You with your Americano, and your inner critic with a double-shot expresso. Your inner critic is a bit twitchy, and that double-shot expresso isn’t helping things.
Nonetheless, you sit and talk.
Well, you talk. Your inner critic speaks loudly, a few decibels below a yell; to make a point, they speak through gritted teeth.
For someone who likes to play it safe, your inner critic knows how to make a scene.
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling.
Your inner critic spells out what you’re doing wrong and where you can improve, moving inch by inch through your life like they’re editing it with a thick red Sharpie. Sitting calmly with your Americano cupped in your hands, slightly resting on your chest, you take it all in with a hint of curiosity – your eyebrows raising from time to time for effect and a twisted sort of solidarity.
Occasionally, you’ll ask, “Oh, what bothered you?”
They’ll pause to sigh. You try to let it wash over you, not taking it personally.
You do this for about an hour. Your inner critic insists you avoid everything at all costs because you might embarrass yourself, or you’re not good enough to do this or that. I mean, who do you think you are?
You ask the occasional question for clarification and offer validation of your inner critic’s fears. You provide a place of comfort and understanding so that your inner critic can vent and feel reassured that everything is OK-ish. It is only then that they calm.
Well, sort of. It is usually a temporary calming. Often fleeting. Always unpredictable.
Not every day is a coffee chat with your inner critic. There are days when restraining and ignoring are far more appropriate.
You don’t always have the time to engage with your inner critic in a way that says, “Hey, I see your concern. Let’s chat about this.” No. You need to get stuff done, and they are square in your way with a defiant look and hands on their hips.
Coffee in hand, you’ll ask them politely to move. Under your breath, you’ll utter, “Don’t make me put this mug down.” And then, if there’s not the slightest movement or more digging in, you’ll take your inner critic by force – because you just don’t want to hear it and don’t need off-putting ideas messing things up.
Unfortunately, your inner critic has mad Houdini-like skills. They have a way of beating their best time to free themself of the binds you think will stop their antics. Your inner critic has a way of wearing you down. These days, you give in, shrink, and believe the stories they’ve laid out in great detail.
“I can’t do it. I shouldn’t do it. What would people think or say? Maybe this isn’t what I’m cut out to do. So many people do it so much better. Why does everyone but me seem to have it all together?”
These are the days you feel tired and uninspired. All your usual tricks to jumpstart your motivation no longer work. You’re numb. Without words. Without much emotion.
Your inner critic knows this and grows silent. They have you right where they want you – in this little box that grows smaller by the day. Your inner critic feels safe here, with your hands tied behind your back, in this little box – with them having all the control.
You know the only way out is to make a move – to free yourself from the constraints. It won’t be easy. You’ve formed this odd toxic relationship. Your inner critic promises to keep you safe if you agree to play by their rules.
But the old rules don’t work for you anymore.
There need to be new rules and boundaries that align with who you want to be. So, little by little, you start to assert yourself – taking baby steps that are hardly noticeable to anyone else but you.
You begin to notice that your inner critic is quiet during certain times of the day. This is the time you make your moves – when your inner critic is too groggy to say “no” or notice you’ve inched closer to the edge of the box, even tip-toed out for a moment.
This is when you start to look at those stories your inner critic tells you. Dissect them to see what’s helping you and what isn’t. Even more so, now is the time to notice who you want to be and how that person moves through life.
You tell yourself it’s OK not to know. Instead, you can imagine what someone else might do, and then imagine yourself doing that. There’s a lot of power in acting out the vision in your mind and then in reality.
When your inner critic becomes fearful and notices you’ve strayed from the confines of smallness, they’ll do everything they can to pull you back in, somewhat like a toddler having a meltdown in the grocery store because you said “no.”
The goal of the outburst is to hear a “yes.” Giving in is the easiest way to handle such an emotionally charged experience. Only, it teaches your inner critic that they get their way if they scream.
Learning to remain calm, centered, and driven toward your best hope is critical here. Small, intentional, measured steps will guide you from “stuck-ness” to fulfillment. It won’t be an easy road to traverse. The unknown often brings up thoughts of failure and doom, where fear is the currency of choice.
Putting one foot in front of the other with such a volatile head space is tricky, to say the least. However, it can be done, albeit with a touch of discomfort.
That’s one of the secrets of people who easily navigate negative self-talk – moving forward even when it feels wonky.
With coffee in hand, you begin to wonder what needs to be true for you to stand up to your inner critic.
