Empty nest syndrome. It is a real psychological phenomenon that comes complete with symptoms such as grief, anxiety, loss of purpose, marital stress, loneliness, irritability, guilt, and even depression. When all our little birds become big (and opinionated and magically self-sufficient despite still being on the parental payroll) and fly the well-crafted nest we have provided, it is a big life transition.
Many parents describe periods of unprovoked tears and experience a sudden void in their lives. One friend likened being an empty nester to phantom limb syndrome and said, “I just felt like a piece of me that should be there was gone.” Another said, “The house was just too quiet, I couldn’t stand being home anymore.”
For you parents out there who are about to send your little bundle of joy off to a school that most likely costs a bundle, there’s good news: You can simultaneously say goodbye to your kids and hello to a new chapter in your life. Here are 10 empty nesting tips:
Tip 1: Acknowledge the Change
The first step to any life change truly is acceptance. Acknowledge that your home is now childless, and you might constantly worry about your young adult child entering the real world and forgetting all about you, and you might question your purpose in life, and you might suddenly miss doing loads of laundry, and – well, you get the picture. Connect with what you are feeling. You do not have to love your feelings, but you do have to identify them and then focus on the positive aspects of this new phase, like fewer runs to the grocery store.
Tip 2: Celebrate Your Accomplishments
It’s not easy raising kids to be functional humans who eventually declare a major so that they can maybe one day contribute to society or, at the very least, pay taxes. You did that! Bask in the glory of your parental tutelage. Also, get excited for your children about whatever adventures (or misadventures) they will embark on.
Tip 3: Re-earth Old and/or Explore New Hobbies
You were an interesting person before kids. Maybe you did half marathons. Maybe you went to concerts instead of just high school musicals. Guess what? You liked it then and you will most likely like it now. You can also be open to new things. Is there something like learning a new language or taking up Mahjong that always piqued your interest? Now is the time to “sprichst Deutsch” and tile shuffle.
Tip 4: Travel
There are 195 countries in the world. Maybe you and your spouse want a romantic getaway to Southern Italy. Maybe you and your college besties need a reunion in Costa Rica. Or maybe you want to go solo and do a yoga retreat in Bali. Put aside some savings and junior’s tuition on your credit card and see where those Delta miles will take you.
Tip 5: Reconnect with Your Spouse or Partner
There is a reason you produced offspring with your spouse or partner: Love. Reconnect with that love. Start small by taking walks together. Maybe those walks will evolve into a weekend hiking trip to North Carolina or a two-week trek along the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Odds are, now that you are no longer juggling flaming swords (also known as kids’ conflicting schedules), you can take the time to enjoy your significant other and talk about something other than your children.
Tip 6: Volunteer
No, you do not have to go out and become the next Mother Teresa or celebrity with a cause kick, but you can find things to do within your community that enrich it. This could be as simple as starting a pickleball group or book club and as meaningful as volunteering at The Boys and Girls Club or Hilton Head Humane Association.
Tip 7: Maintain Connection with Your Child
This tip comes with a caveat. Stay connected with your child but do not smother him or her. Set a day and time of the week like Sunday late afternoon to FaceTime with your child and catch up. Also, come up with a visitation calendar. Your child comes home for Christmas, and you stalk them wherever they go for spring break – I mean, you make arrangements to go visit them during parents’ weekend.
Tip 8: Phone a Friend
One comfort in life is that whatever you are going through, someone else has probably already gone through it or is currently going through it. Reach out to your parents and ask them how they dealt with you going away to college. If they answer something flippant like, “You went to college?” then ask another more maternal or paternal figure in your life. Talk to friends who have a year or two or 10 of empty nesting under their belt or grab a cup of coffee or glass of wine with a fellow newbie empty nester and brainstorm about coping strategies.
Tip 9: Consult a Therapist
Between your child’s science fair freak-outs and late-night sneak-outs, I’m willing to wager you’ve got a little therapy due your way. If you are truly feeling blue, consult a therapist. For most of us, this time in our life is happening alongside hormonal shifts anyway. Do a much-needed spring cleaning of your brain with a healthcare professional. Your older self will thank you (and most likely your spouse or partner will, too).
Tip 10: Check in with Yourself Regularly
Empty nester syndrome symptoms will ebb and flow. Check in with yourself regularly and practice the self-help acronym AIM: acknowledge, investigate and move on.
Not all of these tips are going to resonate with you, but the hope is that several do. Two of my three children will spread their wings next year and I have already started to mentally prepare. I’ll be your Tip 8, if you’ll be mine. And, if all else fails, maybe we get a Labrador retriever. Unlike kids, apparently, they take well to commands and will cuddle with you even when they are full-grown.
