It was such a Southern mom moment. And although during those a pre-teen years I felt like Southern manners “didn’t amount to a hill of beans,” by the time I was “drivin’ age” I began to see the benefits of social etiquette.
Fast forward now that I’m a mom. I’ve decided to raise my three daughters, Ransom, Ruth Love and Camellia, just as my mother raised me: with manners. That’s not to say that I believe and therefore teach that a woman should be demure or submissive. That’s not what having manners is about, despite the misconception. Having manners, well, I’ll let Ransom (13 years old) tell you: “People want to feel respected and appreciated. Having manners makes people feel more comfortable, acknowledged and listened to. It makes people kinder. Manners do not need to be formal, per se, and by design make people happier and improve how people speak to each other.”
When Ransom encounters someone who does not have manner she says, “I always take into account where they are from and give them the benefit of the doubt. I think maybe they are not from the South. Although, “Thank You” is not a Southern thing. It is something everyone should say.”
Ransom continued, “Manners is not just what you say, either. It can be body language or the way you say things. When someone says bad words or is fussy or seems angry, it sets a bad tone. I think to myself, ‘That person is probably not going to get what he or she wants.’”
I then asked all three of my daughters what manners are most important to them, and I was pleasantly surprised by how many occurred to them without me baiting them and also the order in which each manner occurred to them. Here are their responses:
Please or may I. “When you say please or may I, people are more apt to assist in whatever you want or require. You will not be dismissed as rude or needy. And chances are you’ll get what you want, unless it’s a pony.”
Thank you. “There is so much to be grateful for, and appreciating other people for what they’ve done with two little words is easy. You don’t need to only be thankful for the big things. Be thankful for the little things, too. Little things include opening a door for someone or letting someone have the last Fig Newton.”
“Yes, ma’am/sir” or “No, ma’am/sir.” “It’s always good to show respect to someone older than you, and most people are older than us. But you also have to read the situation with yes ma’am and no sir. If feels weird to say it to teachers who are in their twenties, even though we say it anyway. Also, sometimes people who are not from the South get offended if we say it. Maybe it makes them feel old?”
Eye contact and speaking to adults. “Adults don’t bite. Look them in the eye. It makes a good impression. And it might get you a job one day!”
Introduce yourself. “As the saying goes, you never have a second chance to make a first impression. Introducing yourself breaks the ice. And, if you are someone who is friendly and easy to speak to, introducing yourself conveys that.”
Proper table setting. “Besides the fact that it looks pretty, it makes you feel more organized, and it signifies that you are going to have a nice meal.”
Opening the door. “Our dad told us to never date someone who didn’t open the door for us. It’s a way to weed out the riffraff.”
Swear words. “There’s no need to use swear words like the f-bomb in a public setting, but it is sometimes okay to use other bad words like the s-bomb with your friends or at home. Although, using swear words is not a good habit to fall into; it makes people think you are uneducated or not smart, or they think you are crude. Some words, such as racists words, should never be said because they hurt people. And swear words should never be used when you are angry at a person.”
No phones at mealtime. “It’s just plain rude to be on your phone at mealtime. If someone gets their phone out at the table, it makes other people feel unimportant. Mealtime is meant to be a special time to spend with your family. Talking to your family is important. You get to hear about everyone’s day, and you are enjoying the food, not just eating it.
Taking your time to eat. “Being a slow eater allows you to better savor your food and appreciate it, and to think about the people you are eating it with. Plus, it keeps you from overeating.”
Thank-you notes. “Siri can butcher things and texts often have abbreviations that minimize what you are saying. Plus, who doesn’t like getting a letter?”
Greeting and saying goodbye to guests. “It’s important to make people feel welcomed. It makes them want to come back.”
When I asked my daughters their favorite thing about practicing good manners, Ruth Love (12 years old) said, “We know it makes you proud.” Ransom and Camellia nodded in agreement, and I replied, “Gimme some sugar, girls. I’m so very proud of y’all.”
