If you’re a parent, you’ve been there. You know … those moments when it’s time to address a topic with your child that is more “birds and bees” than you want it to be. Eek. Awkward.
Maybe your child asked about a certain body part that is changing, especially during puberty. Maybe your child is confused by terms such as LGBTQIA.+. Or maybe, your child happened upon any one of the adolescent/teen-targeted series on streaming services that has more sexual content than any “Skin-a-max” show we had as youths in the Bush era.
Well, let me shoot this to you straight. I mean, let’s not beat around the bush. Geez. I’m not very good this. In the words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex”—with our children—and see if we can simplify this complicated topic in a question and answer session with licensed professional counselor, Dr. Debi Lynes.
Becca Edwards: Is there a certain age, like 10 or 12, recommended to begin talking about sex and sexuality with your child? Or it is important for parents to work toward being in tune with their child from the start, gauging the age/stage/tendencies of the child, and making attempts to connect about who and what is going on in the child’s life to set the pace for conversations about sex and sexuality?
Debi Lynes: I always believe in actively observing and listening to children at every age. At age three, kids will begin recognizing and asking about body parts and what they do. Each age brings more inquiry and opportunity for discussion.
BE: I know my daughters, ages 11, 13 and 14, have been curious by the term L.G.B.Q.T.I.A.+ and they have asked me questions I did not know like, “What is the difference between queer and gay?” and “What does the ‘I’ stand for?” I have tried to be very open with my kids and to say something upbeat and proactive like, “Well, let’s look that up together.” Another question I heard recently was, “Mom, are they just going to keep adding letters? I mean how many options are there? It just seems like a lot.” I didn’t really have an answer, do you?
DL: You are born biologically with a gender. You are either male or female based upon your sex organs. But, like everything else in the human condition, sexual orientation can be on a spectrum and that has not changed. We have more words and more language around sexuality now than we ever did before. It’s out there. We can’t take it back. The question is, “How do I educate my child to recognize that his or her sexuality is personal and private?” It is also important for parents not to get too lost in the labels and to encourage their children not to get too lost in the labels, too.
BE: Let’s talk about how parents should react if their child comes to them and says he or she is gay or bisexual or transgender. Or if a child wants to be identified as “they”?
DL: Trans is very different than homosexual because, with a trans person, their sex organ does not align with how they feel internally, and this requires a psychological and medical component when it comes to counseling. Talking about sex and sexuality in families is best when it blends in with your family culture and everyone comes from a supportive and loving place. When it comes to sexual identifiers, don’t freak out. Just listen. Some feelings are temporal, especially during certain developmental stages, and girls are more sexually fluid.
BE: Many parents talk about their concerns regarding inappropriate texting, the dangers of social media, and the often sexually charged content both in advertising and in programming available to children. How can parents dissuade their children from posting or delving into social media or other forms of media like TV series that are too adult for their child?
DL: You can have a simple discussion with your child before he or she posts or watches a movie. The point of the conversation is to ask, “What is the point of doing this? Is it FOMO? Is it curiosity? Is it knowledge?” Also ask, “Will this make life better?”
BE: What are some red flags for parents about dangerous behavior in their adolescent/teen child?
DL: Red flags include isolation, resistance to join with the family, shift in friends, and school habit changes—just to name a few.
BE: From personal experience, I would add, take inventory when you notice one or more of these changes. Is your child hanging out with a new person or group? Sometimes this is a person or group from summer camp you have never met but with whom your child has continued a virtual relationship. Sometimes this is a person or group of people who are friends of a friend, again that you have never met. Ask your child about the people in his or her life. If someone is a new acquaintance, maybe you can meet them virtually and get a good read or encourage your child to have the person over.
Also, it is not intrusive to go through your child’s phone, computer history or streaming history as long as you have a real conversation beforehand and explain to your child why it is important to you and establish a comfortable course of action. For example, we have all our children keep their devices and power cords downstairs in a wall-mounted cabinet with numerous outlets in the laundry room. The children know we have the right to randomly browse their devices, but we have agreed to include them whenever we do so.
BE: Do you have some good resources for parents about talking to their children about sex and sexuality?
DL: The best resource is good communication and the ability to talk openly and in a safe environment with your child. Seek first to understand what is occurring in their life. Ask how or if they have any questions for you. Most kids want and need to share what is going on in their life.
Becca Edwards is a wellness professional, freelance writer, and owner of Female IQ (femaleIQ.com).
