There it was, the dreaded ball spinning on my computer. I went into panic mode. My body stiffened. I held my breath. Did I save my project? The one I’d spent so many hours creating and overthinking?
Then the dreaded response: No connection. Cut off. Noooo! I hope I didn’t lose everything I’d worked so hard on. Am I going to need to start over? Will there be anything left for me to work with?
I caught myself in a doom spiral, instantly leaping to the worst-case scenario like an off-brand not-so-superhero. I have zero faith that Captain Oh-Crap-You’re-Doomed will rescue me. But here I am.
I see a similar look of “Oh no” when the partner of a couple says the dreaded phrase, “You’re not here for me.” Meanwhile, the other person looks around, mentally noting everything they’ve just done for their partner’s sake.
You’ve just taken the cars in for oil changes, collected your grumpy child from their friend’s home, and picked up takeout. You look at your partner like they have two heads, maybe even throw in a complimentary eye roll, head shake, and a scoff.
Then you ask: “What are you talking about? I did (listing all of the things you’ve done).” Your partner becomes angrier. ‘You just don’t get me,” they say. You become frustrated, telling yourself that you can’t do enough or nothing you do pleases them.
It’s the spinning ball of doom. You feel you have no connection, cut off from your partner. You don’t know how to make it all make sense. You’re confused. You don’t understand how your partner could feel this way. You do so much. I mean, look at this list.
It probably comes as no surprise when I say strong relationships require good communication. To be clear, it’s not stellar or perfect – it’s simply good communication.
What’s the quickest way to good communication? It’s listening.
Before you come at me with, “All I ever do is listen and nod in agreement,” even if you have no clue what just happened, I’m talking about a more nuanced and active type of listening.
Let me explain.
Your partner’s comment feels like it’s coming out of left field. You don’t what prompted it. To you, the situation is no big deal. Zero urgency or pain. On the other hand, your partner is experiencing it as an 11 out of 10, with copious amounts of pain. In other words, it’s a big freaking problem to them.
And you’re both right. I know it’s confusing.
What do you do? You actively listen to understand instead of respond. Here are a few tips.
1. Get curious and clarify. Are you sure you heard what your partner was saying? Not your assumptions – what you thought they said or the stories you made up about their tone or facial expression – but the actual words.
Try asking one or all of these questions for more clarity.
• When you mentioned ______, what were you actually saying?
• What did you mean by ______?
• Are you saying ________? Did I get that right?
2. Reflect what you hear them saying. No defensiveness, no correcting details, no doing it to make your partner stop. They will sniff out your lack of genuineness, and it will set you back.
• Lead with, “Let me see if I understand what you’re saying” and repeat what you believe you heard.
3. Infuse some empathy. There’s always some emotion holding up what your partner is saying. Sometimes, it’s super obvious – other times, not so much. Even if you think you know their underlying emotion, make an effort to know for sure.
Here are a few ways the conversation can go using the above scenario: Your partner says “You don’t get me. You never get me.”
• Not helpful: “I did all these things (list the things). I don’t know what you want me to do. Whatever I do isn’t good enough for you.”
This comment can come across as defensive and attacking. Mostly, it doesn’t bring you closer to understanding.
• Better: “I’m so sorry. You must be incredibly frustrated with me.”
This comment calls out the perceived frustration. However, it could go deeper.
• Best: “It seems like I’m missing the mark. It must be really lonely to feel like you’re in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t get you.”
In this response, you’re holding yourself accountable (whether you agree or not) and calling out the perceived loneliness your partner might be experiencing.
4. Nonverbal cues. When you thought finding the right words was hard, enter how you show up to the conversation. Nonverbal cues are things like facial expressions or how you hold your body. Here are a few ways to hone your nonverbal presence to show your partner you’re there for them.
• Sit or stand facing your partner.
• Slightly lean in.
• Keep a relaxed posture (shoulders away from your ears and maybe uncrossing your arms).
• Look at your partner (not your phone, the television, the dog, or anything else).
5. Ask open-ended questions. Not only will this help you remain engaged, but it also takes the conversation deeper. Using the scenario above, here’s a suggestion.
“What’s it like when you feel I just don’t get you?”
Using your partner’s answer, you can ask another open-ended question.
Disagreements and communication snafus within a relationship are inevitable. However, missteps aren’t the enemy; it’s how you handle them. According to Esther Perel, a leading expert on relationships and sexuality, “Behind every criticism is a veiled wish.” Active listening helps you to understand the wish.
For the sake of transparency, active listening isn’t easy (especially when emotions are heightened), and it isn’t a one-and-done process. It takes time, a lot of do-overs, and consistency.
It’s about keeping your eye on the prize. When you and your partner experience being seen, heard, and understood, your communication will improve, your relationship will grow stronger, and you’ll feel reassured that a spinning ball of doom doesn’t need to lead to a tragic loss of connection.
