I’m going to go out on a limb here and insist that no one enters into marriage expecting to get a divorce. Case in point: At the time of your wedding, you were so in love. Just look at those beautiful photos from your special day. The joy and anticipation of the future you would build together is undeniable. This was the person you were going to spend forever with. And now, well, it’s over.
Groucho Marx once said, “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” Correct. Divorce is common today, with about 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce. The percentage soars to 60 percent if it’s your second marriage and jumps to a whopping 73 percent if it’s your third.
We could spend countless hours going round and round about why it didn’t work out. But, at the end of the day, that part doesn’t matter as much. We could talk about all the moving parts that make up a divorce—the financial implications, navigating co-parenting, and sorting out housing.
Whatever the reason for your divorce, regardless of whose decision it was, there’s a deeper, often less talked about part of the divorce process to consider: the emotional impact.
Most of us don’t want to go anywhere near emotions that make us uncomfortable. Makes sense. However, if you don’t address the emotional part of your divorce, it will interfere with how you relate to your ex and your children and how you manage your life ahead of you.
The unfortunate truth is the end of a marriage unleashes a flood of emotions including anger, grief, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and fear. It can lead to a sense of failure, feelings of rejection, a loss of identity, and decreased self-esteem.
Don’t expect these feelings to arise casually, prompted by your personal timing. These feelings are known to surface when you least expect them, have a habit of catching you off guard, and can feel like a gut punch.
There will be times when you’ll feel lost, alone, frustrated, and desperate to feel normal again. And functioning at your maximum capacity or feeling productive may not be possible. The good news is that there are ways you can navigate the waves of your emotions without the need for Dramamine.
Divorce is usually synonymous with uncertainty and change, of which most of us are not fans. It’s a lot like being seasick, where you have to focus on whatever unchanging fixed point you can. During this time, it’s helpful to keep your routine as regular as possible. This will help you establish a sense of normalcy and certainty when everything else is wildly shifting.
Let’s face it. You’re going to want to push your uncomfortable and unwanted emotions overboard. Don’t. Emotions will keep you hooked and hang around longer the more you struggle, push, pull, ignore, or fight them. On the other hand, they’ll move through you more quickly if you allow them to exist. In a way, emotions are like a Chinese finger trap. As you pull and struggle to get out, the trap tightens. It’s only when you stop struggling and lean into the trap that you are free.
Go ahead and cry, get angry, and feel all your emotions. Acknowledge them by writing down everything you’re feeling. Once you’re done, release your words by burning, shredding, or tearing them into pieces. Side note: Crying doesn’t make you weak and being angry doesn’t make you a bad person.
Acknowledging your emotions is best paired with a side of self-compassion. Take time to move your body, relax, and eat well. Most important, breathe. During times of stress and distress, there’s a tendency to tense up and hold your breath. Try this breathing technique called box breathing to help regulate your nervous system. Repeat the following exercise as often as you like, adjusting the breathing count to your comfort level:
- In your mind (or on a piece of paper), draw a line up as you inhale for a count of four.
- Hold your breath for four counts while drawing a line across.
- Breathe out for four counts as you draw a line down.
- And finally, hold again for a count of four as you draw a line across to complete the box.
A word of caution, taking the time to breathe and be still usually signals your mind to become active. Don’t believe everything you think. Even though your thoughts are real, they’re not always true.
To reconnect with your truth, start to explore and reconnect with your interests. What do you like? What don’t you like? What beliefs or stories are you telling yourself about your divorce, experience and even yourself? Simply notice what’s coming up for you.
Remind yourself that you cannot control the actions and emotions of others. Yes, it would be much easier if you could. But alas, this is not the case. For example, your ex will not suddenly stop doing the things that annoy you. And instead of annoying you less, they are likely to irritate you even more. This is the perfect time to remind yourself that you can only be responsible for your reactions.
Remember that recovery from divorce takes time. Letting it go or getting over it is more of a myth than truth. Instead, it’s about weaving these experiences into the fabric of your life. Think of it as moving forward with the lessons learned, informing you but not defining who you are.
You don’t have to do this alone. There’s a lot of noise out there when it comes to divorce. Many people will offer unsolicited (and unhelpful) opinions. Seek advice from those people you value. Don’t isolate. Instead, seek out your friends and allow them to support you. Also, give yourself something to look forward to, like lunch or a call with a friend.
Divorcing with children
When children are involved, divorce gets a little trickier. Divorce’s effect on children is compounded by a few different variables. Their personality, character, and age play a role in determining their response as well as your response to situations and the response of your ex. Not only do children pay attention to our words, but they clue in even more intently on our actions and unspoken communications.
Children tend to experience worry, sadness, and anger, usually occurring in what seems to be one jumbled mess that can appear as withdrawing or acting out. Their most common concerns are hurting a parent’s feelings and juggling time between homes. They also become sad and angry about the unknowns and uncertainty.
Helping your children navigate their emotional responses can be a little slippery when you’re neck deep in your emotions. Rest assured, there are ways you can help here.
Listen, reassure, acknowledge, and validate your child’s emotions. You’ll need a mixture of directness and compassion to help ease his or her worry and soothe the sadness or anger.
Just like with your routine, try to keep your child’s routine as familiar and typical as possible. During times of change, a little certainty will go a long way to calm their nervous system (and yours too).
Consistency is key, not only in making and keeping realistic promises but also in co-parenting. Co-parenting can be difficult even on the best of days. Agreeing to follow the same structure for bedtime and punishments and having a plan for everyday decisions will reduce stress for everyone. Plus, it reduces the chance of being on the receiving end of a deregulated child once he or she returns to your home.
Undoubtedly there will be questions. By answering your child’s questions with age-appropriate responses, they’ll better understand what’s going on, alleviating some of their worries.
It probably goes without saying, but I’ll do it anyway. Arguing with or speaking negatively about your ex will increase your child’s emotional response, not decrease it.
Getting help
Divorce isn’t easy. If you notice your emotions are overwhelming, you’re beginning to isolate, or maybe even overworking or overscheduling, it may be time to seek support from a therapist to help you address your underlying emotions. Eventually, your feelings will come to the surface. And when they do, more than likely, it will not be the way you expected or wanted.
Working with a therapist will provide you with the support to work through and make sense of your emotions. As a bonus, you’ll better understand what you want and need in a future relationship.
The same is true for your children. If you notice they’re acting out, shutting down, or just not themselves, you may consider consulting with a child therapist.
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She specializes in working with couples and individuals to better their relationships so they can connect more deeply to themselves and each other. When not in the office, you’ll find her walking her pups or planning her next vacation with her husband.
