Courtney’s Opinion: Hey, 18- year- old Courtney, “Let them” and girl, you do you and carry on!
In April I bought a bracelet that reads, “Let them.” I saw it in my social media feed, no doubt a subliminal sales pitch to counteract the content about stress, leadership, and imposter syndrome that I like and follow. But those two words, gosh, they spoke to me.
“Let them.”
Let them – think what they will.
Let them – say what they want.
Let them – do what they are going to do.
Let them.
And I, I will focus on me. Not them.
Somehow a $25 bracelet completely changed my mindset. I slapped that thing on my wrist and suddenly I had superpowers. I began to stop caring about what other people thought. I stopped doing more than was needed. I started saying “No.” I stopped worrying about what I couldn’t control (kind of) and instead I took control.
I booked a last-minute flight to join my husband on a dive trip he’d had planned for a year. I surprised myself and I unplugged for four relaxing days on this tiny island with just two hotels (we were at the one with the subpar toilet paper) that caters to scuba divers, which I am not. As the only non-diver in the group, I had hours of peace, solitude, and Caribbean breezes each morning. And afternoons and evenings with a great group of people, now friends.
When I returned from my trip, I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my primary care physician, whom I love. She listens when I advocate for myself and advocates for me when I don’t. I marched into that appointment with a nine-point agenda of things to discuss. And walked out a little lighter. (Ironically, this was also the first time in my life that I weighed less on the doctor’s scale than at home.)
My mind races all day and most nights. When I do manage to fall asleep, I grind my teeth due to stress. I have a crown, a falsie, and a pin in my jaw to prove it. Managing my stress has become uber-important. And once I started looking at the source of my stress it was – unsurprisingly – other people. And once I started letting the worry about other people go, I started sleeping better.
Why did I wait so long to “let them”?
So, if I could go back to 18-year-old me, who 33 years ago was preparing for what would be a lackluster launch into college life (despite my cannon ball approach), I would tell her, “Let them.” Don’t do things you don’t want to do. Don’t change for anyone. Create your own plan. Develop your own schedule. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, let them.
You should continue doing everything you did to get to this point – your study habits, your workout and wellness routine, your friends. Surround yourself with people like you, whose priorities align with yours.
Study on school nights. Go to the library. Don’t sleep in. Move your body. And get to know your instructors. Keep drinking water more than anything else and that green smoothie you love, keep enjoying that too. (Did anyone even tell us 30 years ago how important water and greens were?)
I know it is unbelievably hard to wrap your brain around this right now, but you don’t have to prove anything to anyone but yourself – and maybe your parents who are footing the bill.
But ultimately, be unapologetically you. It’s OK to mess up. This first semester will be a hard transition. But hang in there. Because I can tell you from experience, even if you leave freshman year with a 2.0 and it takes you every bit of three years to bring that up to a 3.5, you will turn out just fine.
Barry’s Opinion: 18 year old Barry, sit down before you fall down and start taking this list down
It was Courtney’s idea that we use this space this month to give advice to our younger selves, rather than my idea, which was to argue about whether Batman could beat Superman in a fight. I agreed, since in hindsight there’s no question that Batman would wipe the floor with Superman.
But it was only after I agreed that I realized a gigantic issue with this conceit – my younger self was an idiot. He was given great advice by people much smarter than him, and he ignored pretty much all of it. I can’t honestly think of anything I could say to the kid that he hadn’t already heard. And even if I could tell him something worth hearing, good luck getting that moron to listen.
So, I decided to put together some advice for a different 18-year-old instead, one who actually has a chance. In the month that this issue lands in mailboxes, my oldest daughter Sofia will both turn 18 and leave the nest, moving into her dorm at the University of South Carolina. With her standing on the precipice of adulthood, I offer her the following advice.
First, trust people by default. I realize that they make this very difficult at times, and many of them will reward your trust with deception. But the second you stop opening up to people is the second they close themselves to you. If you go down that road, you’ll miss out on knowing some remarkable people.
Second, invest in yourself. Start socking away a little bit of each paycheck, no matter the size of the paycheck. Eventually it will become a habit and then you won’t even notice it. When you need it most, it will give you the security to get through the lean times. And if you never need it, then you’ll at least have more to pass on to your kids than I will (comic books, mostly. Sorry about that).
Third, enjoy these years. My parents moved to the middle of nowhere after I graduated high school, so I took classes every summer during college rather than spend a semester out in the sticks. As a result, I whizzed through college in under four years. I made some lifelong friends and had some fun times I will never tell you about, but I can’t help but wish I’d eased off the gas a little while I was passing through.
Fourth, don’t enjoy these years too much. During my freshman and sophomore years, I was constantly on the brink of academic expulsion because I was having too much fun. At one point, I happened to show up to a class I’d skipped for a month straight to find myself taking a midterm I was in no way prepared for. After that, I started actually putting in the effort and wound up on the dean’s list. You’re smarter than me, though, so I don’t know that you have to worry as much about this one.
Finally, if you love what you do, never do it for free. For example, if you were going to give advice to someone who means the world to you, make sure you can at least get a column out of it.
