He’s Drinking
Dollar bills, mostly
I’m Drinking
A rum & coke from the Earl of Sandwhich
Ever since his star turn in Tom Hanks’ Big, the Amazing Zoltan has been America’s foremost coin-operated psychic. Since then, whether starring in Liberty Mutual commercials or dispensing vague pronouncements and lucky numbers, he’s maintained his status as our favorite precognitive amusement machine.
With 2020 upon us, and the new year bringing with it countless questions to be answered, I thought it would be the perfect time to visit Zoltan and spend a few bucks courting his wisdom. Locally, you’ll find Zoltan at Black Market Minerals in Coligny when he’s not touring county fairs transforming children into adults.
(NOTE: All comments and answers were actually taken from a real Zoltan machine).
Barry Kaufman: Zoltan, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with us.
Zoltan: Zoltan is here to give you the wisdom of ages. Do with it what you will. So, go on, have fun, and surrender more cash for more wisdom from the Great Zoltan!
BK: Wow, you really just come right out with it, don’t you? Okay, sure. Here’s a dollar. Now one of the big issues facing Hilton Head Island right now is workforce housing. Do you see a clear solution emerging from either the town or local business to this pressing issue?
Zoltan: Now is the time to start that new project you have been contemplating. Your deliberation will pay off in the long run because doubt is the father of invention and the key to knowledge. This newfound industry pays debts, while if you despair, will only increase them.
BK: Right, so are you saying that it will fall on local businesses to make affordable workforce housing a reality?
Zoltan: The time is right to get going. If you are to move the world, first you must move yourself… You will be surprised at what you will accomplish.
BK: How … vague. Another thing that’s coming up for the island is the possibility of a tax that could raise up to $65 million over the next 25 years to help fund parks, recreation and the arts. Do you see this heading to a referendum in 2020?
Zoltan: A smile is worth a hundred frowns in any market. And lucky for you the great Zoltan sees much happiness in store for you. Go find it now, but don’t run off too quickly. Zoltan has more to say for you if you have a small gift for me.
BK: A small gift? You know, there are some who might say you’re only in this for the money.
Zoltan: Well, my dear outspoken one, you are quick to criticize others, did you ever stop and analyze yourself? You are very sensitive person and a very critical one. You have a very sharp tongue which may cause unhappiness to others. You are of a generous disposition and knowingly would not hurt anyone. You have a keen mind. Try to improve it.
BK: Ouch. OK, keep the gloves up. Here’s your dollar. Now about that tax?
Zoltan: Your future life will be very sunny. I see in it a chest full of money. Be free to spend it as you see fit because there will be plenty more of it. Your lucky stone is a ruby.
BK: So, you’re saying … wait, what?
Zoltan: You are a strong believer in fate. You feel that you have no control over your destiny. You’ve had some trouble mostly caused by the inconsideration of others.
BK: Well, it extends a tax that was originally assessed to help replenish the town’s reserves after Hurricane Matthew, so I guess so. If a hurricane can be inconsiderate.
Zoltan: But fate will be kind to you, and you can expect your life to run on a smoother pattern.
BK: So, if I’m reading this right, it sounds like the tax will be put up for referendum. If it passes, can you foresee what improvements this money might go toward?
Zoltan: You have a neat and tidy nature and can’t tolerate slovenliness around you. Since you demand this of yourself and others, you will always live in a tidy atmosphere. Your lucky numbers are 10, 12, 13, 3, 2, 1.
BK: Sooooo … parks?
Zoltan: Don’t let opportunity knock at your door in vain. Grasp it and the course of your life will be different.
BK: Understood. Well, Zoltan, I’m out of dollar bills so it looks like that’s all the time we have. Thanks again for sitting down with me.
Zoltan: Do not be leaving this place with regrets. Live it up, my friend, and start by giving Zoltan more monies for more wisdom, no?
BK: No.
