Courtney’s Thoughts
This morning, I watched an ambulance trying to cross an intersection. Lights flashing. Siren screaming. Horn blaring. Again. And again. And again. And people just kept driving. Traffic in two directions continued through the intersection while the ambulance slowly, cautiously inched its way across.
I was furious. So furious I cried. It made me think of my father and husband, both firefighters. Maybe it hit me harder because of that, but honestly, it shouldn’t have to be personal. You shouldn’t have to love a firefighter to know that when you hear the siren, you stop. You pay attention. You move over. You let them through. Because whatever you’re rushing to do can wait. Someone else’s life might not be able to.
That got me thinking about this month’s topic: If I were president, what would I do? Well, shit. What wouldn’t I do? After ensuring that all Google Map identifications changed in the past two years are corrected, and the long, arduous task of de-gold-leafing the White House is complete, I would focus on creating a cabinet full of people who know how to get things done. I need these people to disagree with me. People who could tell me, without hesitation, when I was wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my cabinet would have one quality in common above all others: They would pay attention.
Pay attention.
Not just to the loudest voices. Not just to the people with the most money, the biggest platforms, or the most political power. They would pay attention to the people working hard. To the people asking for help. The person who can’t get to work because her car broke down. The senior bagging groceries because his expenses outweigh his Social Security. The single parent trying to figure out how to juggle her fulltime job and childcare costs. The small business owner who can’t find workers. The big business owner who wants to give back to her community. The first responder who hasn’t slept. The teacher worried about her students who don’t know what comes after high school. The elderly neighbor who hasn’t had anyone check on her in three days. Because I think we have a problem that is bigger than politics.
We are distracted.
We are busy.
We are angry.
We are arguing about everything.
And somewhere along the way, we have become very good at paying attention to ourselves – and remarkably bad at paying attention to one another.
So, if I were president, I think I’d start there. Before the executive orders. Before the speeches. I’d ask the people around me a simple question: What are we not seeing? And then I’d expect them to answer honestly. Because leadership isn’t about having the power to make decisions. It’s about seeing what needs to be done. And then doing it.
…Leadership isn’t about having the power to make decisions. It’s about seeing what needs to be done. And then doing it.
Barry’s Thoughts
My fellow Americans.
Welcome to the first day of the Kaufman administration and thank you for choosing me as your president over my opponent, whoever they were. As my campaign made clear, my opponent was not only a direct threat to our national security and an insidious peddler of whichever ideology you dislike, sources tell me they are probably the Zodiac killer.
You may be asking yourself what my presidency will look like, which is a fair question since all my campaign ads were basically about what an irredeemable bastard my opponent is. Let me assure you, the voters I need to butter up until my second term, that I plan on doing great things for this country.
Important things – work that will not only better your lives but restore America’s standing as the finest country in the nation.
Priority No. 1: Gas prices. I actually don’t have any great ideas here, so we’re going to move onto …
Priority No. 2: Water slides. Love him or hate him, the Trump administration basically proved that as president I get to do whatever I want. As such, I’m happy to announce that construction on the world’s sickest water park will begin next week on what was formerly the reflecting pool. It’s pretty messed up anyway, so while we’re slapping a new liner on it, we might as well install a few funnel slides and maybe a lazy river.
Priority No. 3: Renaming stuff. If Google and Apple are just going to fall in line with whatever arbitrary and insane changes the executive branch makes to maps, as your president I hereby pledge to get real weird with it.
As of today, my readership in Bluffton East (formerly Hilton Head Island) can now look forward to visiting Bigass Hole in the Ground (formerly the Grand Canyon), Sadness City (formerly Ann Arbor, Michigan), The America of America (formerly the Mall of America), and New Kaufmania (formerly Greenland, pending negotiations). I will also be auctioning off renaming rights for Arkansas to the highest bidder – and keeping the money for myself.
Priority No 4: Public safety. By executive order, failure to use turn signals is now punishable via death by firing squad.
Priority No. 5: We as a nation being broke as hell. Look, no one likes paying taxes. I myself avoid it whenever possible. And I know you hear a lot of people calling for higher taxes on the wealthy, but without people who have the means to flaunt their material possessions, there would be no reality TV. And we need reality TV to keep the dimmer citizens of this great nation occupied.
So, my solution is simple: tax only the boring billionaires. The ones who are going to blast celebrities into space or purchase social media platforms so they have a safe space to melt down, you’re safe. Snoozers like Jensen Huang, Thomas Petterfy, or Jeff Yass, on the other hand, should expect a visit from the IRS. In fact, if your net worth has a B next to it and I have to look you up on Wikipedia, get ready to pay through the nose.
Priority No. 6: World peace. As with gas prices, I got nothing for ya on this one. But I’m willing to bet one of you does, so in exchange for a comprehensive plan to get us out of Iran, create a lasting peace between Israel and Palestine, and expel Russia from Ukraine, I’m prepared to offer one citizen an entire state of their choosing. We have at least 50 of them. I think we can spare a Dakota.
I’ll also sweeten the deal with free annual passes to the Reflecting Pool National Waterpark and an all-expenses paid trip to Kaufmania.
Thank you, and may God bless the United States of America. Because boy, do we need it.